“If you were me, what would you do to feel better and lose some weight?”
I had heard a similar question from this person a few times and it was becoming apparent that my suggestions of how to follow a natural living plan were not sinking in. Maybe I was frustrated with them, maybe I was in a bad mood or maybe I just thought that the best thing this person should hear at that moment was, in a condescending tone…
“The opposite of everything you’re doing.”
“If I wanted to feel better and lose weight I would take everything you are doing and do the exact opposite. You don’t sleep- I would sleep. You are controlled by stress- I would manage mine. You eat man made food- I would eat natural food. You are always inside- I would get outside. You don’t have any fun- I would have fun…”
What followed was my extended description of how nearly every behavior they were engaged in was contributing to them not losing weight and feeling better.
“Absolutely. If you were to ask for the flip side of that situation, what would I do if I wanted to feel worse and gain some weight, the behaviors I would choose literally mirror much of what you’re doing now.”
For the first time, this person seemed to get the message. So I got to thinking about this “Flip Side”. When I was young I loved a game called “The Opposite Day” – if you don’t know it, it basically means you say the exact opposite of what you really mean. After this conversation I was inspired to delve into thinking opposite. Maybe other people might get something from the “Flip Side to Health”. So I gave it some thought: What would I do if I wanted to make myself fat, sick and tired?
I therefore give you…
The Bare 5 Guide to Gaining Weight and Feeling Lousy
The guide is simple. Do as many as possible (or hopefully all) the following things and you are guaranteed to gain weight and feel worse.
Eat Whatever You Feel Like.
“Everything is fine in moderation.” This is good advice, it will help you rationalize bad food choices and enable you to consume so much more bad food than you’re even aware of.
– Food is food. Eat for convenience and pleasure. Quality is your enemy. Organic? For the hippies. Grass fed beef? Are you kidding? How are farmers supposed to justify giving their cattle hormones and antibiotics if they just naturally stay healthy eating grass on pasture. And letting them live off of just one food? How boring. Think of how much you like corn, soy, wheat, candy and whatever else they throw in the cattle feed bins. The cows must LOVE it! Plus it fattens them up much quicker and ruins much of the beneficial fatty acids they would have developed eating their natural diet. We do not want any of those health promoting fats sneaking into your diet!
– If man made it, eat it. If nature made it, look for a version that man made better. Look for upgraded food or food that humans have added a lot of stuff to. Bottom line: Mother Nature screwed it all up, humans are much smarter, we have evolved and have figured out how to do it better. We now have scientists with PhD.s that are paid to create unhealth promoting foods. For instance: Why go through the trouble of making your own guacamole (which might make you feel better) when you can get guacamole made out of soybean oil and lots of chemicals that make it so much more unhealthy and it will also last forever so you can keep eating it as long your failing heart desires.
– Just follow the USDA food pyramid, I mean “food plate”. It is sure to serve you well. It is based on psuedo-political-science and you can always trust the lobbying and money behind Big Agriculture to put a few extra pounds on your hips in exchange for turning a profit.
– If you’re ever uncertain, just remind yourself how they fatten up cattle quickly: corn, soy, wheat.
– Focus on eating a low fat diet. If it’s low fat, it’s good for you. If you do eat fat, make sure it’s heart healthy vegetable oil, hydrogenated or trans fat.
– Do NOT eat saturated fat or cholesterol rich foods. Although they are portrayed as bad foods they are actually known to make you healthier- stay far away from eggs, butter and red meat in particular.
– Eat as many processed foods as possible. Focus on sugar, wheat, vegetable oil, soy and conventional dairy as your main sources of calories. Whenever possible, eat foods that combine all of these. Energy density is vital. The more calories per ounce the better. Look for sugary foods paired with oils and flour. Pastries are a great choice. So are cakes and cookies.
– A dozen doughnuts (a week) is all I ask.
– If it is fried- eat it. Don’t ask questions. Just eat it.
– Focus on hyper stimulating and rewarding foods. If you can create any addictions you are on the right track.
– Look for several ingredients in your foods. If a product contains several things that you have never heard of or can’t pronounce and if you have absolutely no chance in hell of making it yourself, it is literally the perfect food. Stock up!
– Eat only foods that come in a box, bag, wrapper or can. These very often fit the above criteria.
– Eat fast food and dine out as often as possible. Those people figured all this unhealth stuff out a long time ago and they keep making things worse- they are some our your best accomplices.
– Always, always, always eat the bread or chips served as an appetizer before your meal.
– If forced to go to the grocery store, make sure you are tired, stressed and hungry. Stick to the center aisles of the store, unless visiting the Bakery, where you should be on a first name basis- you’re much more likely to get free samples that way.
– Eat a high carbohydrate breakfast with very little to no fat, fiber or protein. A wheat based cereal with fat free milk, orange juice and an english muffin with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is a great way to start your day.
– Eat cereal, bread, crackers, pasta and more bread. Repeat daily.
– If you need to fool someone into thinking you’re being healthy, have a salad with lots of store bought salad dressing on it. People will see the salad, assume it’s healthy without even realizing the salad dressing is so bad! Winning!
– Have coffee. A lot. Multiple times a day. Hopefully with fat free milk (or soy milk!) and massive amounts of sweeteners and flavorings. Always add whipped cream. In fact, get to know the workers so they will give you extra whipped cream without you even asking.
– Don’t drink water. It is a waste of stomach space. Drink calories whenever possible. Soda is king. Diet soda works too. Preferably alternate between the two. Several times per day. Ooh- or Gatorade. It is always cool to act like an athlete even though you are so far from it. Or juice. Juice is another hidden gem.
– Energy drinks are a must. How did we ever get by without them? Ignore people who try to convince you to give them up.
– Surround yourself with treats and sweets. Hopefully within arm’s reach. You don’t want to miss out on anything or have your blood sugar drop too low.
– Eat in the car whenever possible.
– Buy a snack at the gas station whenever you fill up. Why fill up your car but ignore your fuel tank? Gas stations and convenience stores are literally gold mines. Everything they contain will help you. Where else can you get a 44 oz slushie and a hot dog that’s been under a heat lamp for 8 hours?
– The only thing better than convenience store food is fair and carnival food. Starting this program in the summer is a great way to do it. Get a season pass to your local fair and eat everything you can find there. Movie theaters, pro sports stadiums and amusement parks are right there in high quality food too.
– Always have change available for vending machines.
– Rely upon artificial sweeteners, chemicals and food dyes to help food taste better. Natural food is bland, boring and has no taste. You won’t want to overeat it. Enhance your food with additives whenever possible to ensure over consumption.
– Eat as fast as possible- do not let yourself feel full until you have way surpassed a normal amount of food consumption. The lack of adequate chewing will also create havoc in your stomach and lead to things like burping, heartburn and acid reflux.
– Believe everything you see advertised on TV, particularly health claims from commercials, those food companies have some honest and health minded scientists doing their research and product development.
– Always follow dietary advice reported by the news. They are accurate reflections of the true research findings.
**Key Tips: Only eat foods with health claims on them. Look for foods that say “high in fiber”, “heart healthy” or “great source of vitamins and minerals” as they are usually great hidden sources of empty calories masquerading as health foods.
**Every once in a while go on a fad or crash diet. Lose a several pounds in a few days and set your body up for a huge rebound weight gain. Starvation diets and cleanses work great at slowing your metabolism, burning off muscle and priming your body for accelerated fat storage.
Don’t Exercise or Be Active (Unless You Way Overdo It).
“No pain no gain. Pain is simply weakness leaving the body.” – Exactly. We want pain staying in the body.
– Exercise is a complete waste of time and energy. Leave the exercise to the professionals.
– Don’t take the stairs- ever. That’s why humans invented elevators, escalators and moving sidewalks.
– Drive around until you find the closet parking spot possible even if you have to wait – it’ll be worth it.
– Pay someone to do all your manual and physical labor.
– Sit down as often as possible. Hopefully at a desk with rounded shoulders. Or on the couch watching TV.
– Do not walk anywhere you can drive.
– Do not play. No games. No adventures, hikes, walks or anything of that nature.
– Throw away your bike. Now. Before you get the urge to ride it on a nice day.
– Cancel your gym membership. Oh, you already did? Way to be prepared.
– If you do exercise for some reason (say to work up an appetite so you get to eat more food), go for a real hard run on an empty stomach (preferably after a night of little to no sleep) and then go immediately to the coffee shop for a sugary drink or to a smoothie place. Make sure you push past what you are comfortable doing. Do not ease into it. Do nothing for a while and then decide it is time to go for a 8 mile run. Your body will thank you for that decision.
**Key Tip: If people force you to take up exercise because they think you’re becoming too unhealthy, start running every day. Run as much as possible. You will likely end up hurting a knee, hip or ankle and be forced to give up. You’ll also continue to burn out your adrenal glands and up regulate fat storage. This is a nice hidden benefit.
Take Sleep For Granted.
“Sleep is overrated. Sleep when you’re dead!”
– Sleep as little as possible. Try to see how late you can stay up and how little sleep you “can get by on.” Fall asleep with the TV on ideally, if not strive for semi-darkness, with lots of little lights on, hopefully several LED lights from TVs and phone chargers.
– Keep the lights on, watch TV and work on the computer as much as possible right before bed.
– Go to sleep and wake up at different times every day. Have no bedtime routine.
– Eat a lot of sugary food at night or drink caffeine late in the day. There’s a lot of TV programs and infomercials on in the middle of the night that someone needs to watch and get those great deals.
– In the morning, get up at the last possible minute so you are forced to rush to start off the day. This can be the perfect way to start your day and lead to several bad choices throughout day.
**Key Tip: Ignore your body’s signals of fatigue. These are great signs that your body is breaking down. Your adrenal glands are on overdrive, blood sugar control is waning and increased appetite and fat storage will soon follow. Brain activity and focus will also start going downhill. Yawning and drifting off at work? Perfect. Get an energy drink or candy bar and push through it!
Stress is natural. It’s perfectly normal. It’s 2012. Everybody is stressed. Just deal with it.
– Rush everywhere. Procrastination followed by sheer panic is key.
– Make stress a priority. If you’re not worried about something you’re missing out on unhealthy opportunities.
– Work as much as possible, preferably in a stressful job. Long hours are great for ruining your life.
– Try to commute long distances in stop and go traffic. Road rage is an awesome side effect that can really help you feel miserable.
– Have a stressful home life. Argue with your family often. Particularly over trivial things. Take everything personally and don’t accept constructive criticism. Try to use a condescending and confrontive tone early and often.
– Be alone often. Disconnect from the world. Do not talk to or smile at anyone. Conduct all business online or through the Internet. No pleasantries should ever be exchanged with anyone, particularly in person. Avoid eye contact when in public and certainly don’t engage in any conversations, particularly in elevators.
– Don’t relax, have fun or laugh. That’s childish behavior. Only kids should have fun.
– Do NOT play. I repeat do NOT play. You might end up having fun and enjoying yourself.
– Do not take time for yourself. You are your last priority.
– If you feel like you are losing your mind know that you are absolutely on the right track, keep up the good work.
**Key Tip: Every minute you’re relaxing is a minute you could be working, worrying or doing something damaging. Be on high alert 24-7.
“Humans are weak. We are not made to survive in the elements.”
– Do not go outside. Sun is the devil. It will make you feel good. This is not ok.
– Wear sunscreen whenever you might go outside. If you don’t have sunscreen, cover up in long sleeves and a hat.
– Don’t ever get cold. Have the thermostat set to 70 degrees at all times. Do not allow your body to regulate any temperature on its own.
– Don’t touch the ground with your hands or feet. Don’t feel sun, wind or rain or your skin.
– Definitely do not walk barefoot outside on the dirt or grass. Wait, you actually should. You will be likely to cut your foot and your arches will be hurt from not wearing shoes with arch support. This pain will also ensure you won’t be able to exercise. Score!
**Key Tip: Spend as much time as possible on the internet. Being glued to a computer will really help you never want to leave your desk or couch.
Take Advantage of Science.
– Watch TV. As often as possible. Plug in to the tube.
– Get online and stay online. There’s a reason we invented the Internet: to streamline our lives. The easier the better- let’s get lazy!!
– Take as many medications as your doctor will allow. Focus on antibiotics, bacteria is awful and doesn’t belong in our body, even the good kind. If possible, request insulin to help “manage” your blood sugar levels, this will massively accelerate fat gain. Cholesterol medication is easily attainable, great for creating muscle aches and weakness, cognitive decline and sexual dysfunction.
– Take cold or pain medication the minute you feel anything a little off. It is really important to mask how the body truly feels.
– Use a lot of personal care items: shampoos, conditioners, lotions, makeup, face washes, etc. Look for ones with several ingredients you’ve never heard of or can’t pronounce.
– Use industrial strength household cleaners whenever possible.
**Key Tip: Use disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizers constantly. By never allowing your body to encounter germs you will ensure a weak immune system and total devastation when you do get exposed to a pathogen.
“Let loose- live a little.” This is good advice but don’t stop at a little- live a lot. Go out and treat yourself early and often all day, every day.
– Smoke. Cigars are great too. As is chewing tobacco. Heck, marijuana is fantastic for making you crave junk food. Go for it.
– Drink. Remember to tell yourself that drinking in moderation is ok (even healthy!) when people tell you not to drink so much. Pass the wine.
– Beer is best. Especially when combined with pizza.
– Dessert. Dessert. Dessert. Always best after a large meal when you’re already full and you’re certain to store it as fat.
– Birthday parties: the best way to overindulge because everyone else is doing the same so you can get away with a bit more than usual without having to defend your indulgence.
**Key Tip: When in doubt, remind yourself that it is OK to indulge because it’s a business lunch/dinner or someone’s birthday or a holiday or the weekend or a Friday any other reason you can come up with. Get creative here and you’ll be able to justify anything!
Important: Whenever confronted or questioned by someone- take NO responsibility for your actions.
The Bare 5 Bottom Line to Gaining Weight and Feeling Lousy.
1. Eat Unnaturally (eat way too much of man made foods)
2. Move Unnaturally (either not at all or way too much)
3. Rest Unnaturally (sleep sporadically if at all and do not rest or relax)
4. Disconnect (from people and the earth)
5. Be Unhappy (do not have fun or enjoy anything unless you overdo it to the point it makes you sick and miserable)
WARNING: Failure to adhere to any or all of these guidelines may result in you losing weight and feeling better.
Good luck, I hope this guide leads you on the path toward becoming fat, sick and tired!
Thanks for reading, have a fat and lousy week!
P.S. Have any ideas of how to make this program better? Did I miss anything? I am always looking to add tips, tricks and guides to lead people toward unhealthy lives as quickly and effectively as possible!